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life update here.
- my car is totalled. yeah. so that dream is gone. i owned a celica. haha. now i think i'm gonna get a gti. a gti or a jetta, yeah. let's see if i can have a car for longer than a week.
now, on another page...
- it's kind of weird how work has helped me lately. my weeks go by fast and i get paid well, sure, but it's such a nice change of pace to focus on something other than my social life, or lack thereof. because i don't have time to focus on how lonely i really am.
i'm not gonna whine. i promise.
i have discovered that i am happier since i got this job. you know why? i don't have time to think about the things that used to matter so much to me. i make time for my friends, yes. i make time for my family if i need to, and i have time for myself. to develop new interests and hobbies. working has put a new spin on it and i really appreciate it.
but sometimes it hits me that i am alone. the times are getting fewer and further between, and not so severe because i am trying to be closer to people (but not smothering them), but sometimes i just stop talking and bow my head because i know what it is to have the world move so fast around me that i just can't keep up.
i am alone. but it's okay. only when i am okay with being alone can i be truly okay with not being alone. true story.
my greatest fear is realized every day. and i combat it every day. and i come closer to winning.
- i think i'm going to start going to church again. i need a community. i need to find people to reach out to. i have started opening myself up to the idea of god again and i'm more receptive to it than ever. it's so new to me... to understand what i'm reading, the words don't seem like a foreign language. i started reading the purpose driven life, sex god, and velvet elvis. and it makes so much sense to me. i'm underlining things. i feel sad, though, because most of it is the stuff related to futility. feeling abandoned by god and everything else. and it worries me. i need guidance; i need to be on a better track.
i'm gonna start blue like jazz tonight. or today because it's morning, really.
- my phone was shut off. so i can receive texts and calls. i just can't return them. so feel free to call, i'll answer. but if you text me, i'll be texting back from an unfamiliar number.
- i might be moving out.
- it all comes down to one thing.
Current Mood: |
 hopeful |
Current Music: |
all the same - sick puppies | |
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car_door's journal