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Here's the thing.

Grief isn't eloquent. It isn't pretty, and frankly, it doesn't give a damn who sees it. It doesn't try to tie itself up into a neat little package so you can bear it easily. It is messy, and ugly, and it hurts more than anything. Grief doesn't care about who you're breaking down in front of; whether it's people you hate, or close friends you've known for years.

I lost somebody very important and special to me, along with hundreds, maybe thousands of other people. I don't think I'm too far off in saying that he effected thousands. Someone who I watched go from a boy, to a man. A man who had the power to change lives, and did, even though he might not have known it himself.

Yesterday, I went to a memorial for him, and saw so many people gathered there for him... And a comparative few of them spoke. And for the most part, broke down. Sadly, I couldn't find the courage to say anything. I felt like it wasn't my place to steal even a minute from people who were far closer to him than I was. Instead, I stayed in my seat, comforted by my own sadness, heartbroken for everyone who was fortunate enough to be able to speak for him.

We were led in a kind of prayer - and it was meant to give us some sort of closure. We didn't get to say goodbye. We were all asked to close our eyes, and go to him in an open place. Tell him what we never got to say, and then let him say what we needed to hear.

I needed for him to say goodbye. That he was okay now. And not hurting. And he did, and I immediately felt a burden being lifted from my shoulders. I know that he heard me, and that he'll always hear me.

There's an empty space. A hole in my heart, in my life, that can never be filled again. It is a tribute to his character and his life. He wasn't meant for this world - and while I am sad that I only knew him for such a short, short time, I know that I am glad and lucky to have been a part of his, and that he was meant for something better, and now he gets to reap the rewards of being such an amazing man.

He was selfless, funny, brave, and most of all, GOOD. He carried his burden for so long, and no matter what we feel, we must be thankful that he can have the peace he so rightly deserves. Nate Johnson, may you rest in peace.

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."

Nate K. Johnson

August 9th, 1987 - September 29th, 2006

It's my fault. I could've prevented this whole thing, and I didn't. I could have spoken first. I could have left. I could've kept the book until you asked for it back, instead of assuming. I could have been, if not more honest, more OPEN about everything. I haven't been a very good friend lately, but I'd like to try again. No bullshit. No sugarcoating anything (I at least owe you that). No trying to please everybody. No remaining neutral. It doesn't work.

OKAY, I NEED HELP.

Any Elvis fans on my friends list have probably heard of Darlene's Elvis website, Darling Presley. Well, we've made a message board. The trouble is, it is BRAND NEW, and we need MEMBERS. So please, PLEASE join for me, and post. I'm begging. It'll be a lot of fun once we can get some people to join.

Here's the URL.

http://s10.invisionfree.com/The_Pink_Cadillac

There's not a lot up there right NOW, but we're in the process.